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The Invisible Future

Author: Carol Weissgerber
Year: Future

I used to have life all planned out. I had five year plans and dreams: from jobs, children, travels, home projects and house moves. My obsession with five year goals, where did that even come from? Oh yes, I remember now. I will come back to my reasons later.

I loved my goals, plans and next moves in every situation. I would write them all down, each one crafted like a skilled wood carver. Each one engraved so deeply in my core. Each one driving me to succeed. It was almost like an excited child working their way through each level of their game on Fortnite. I used visionary boards for how each room would look at home: the colours, textures, moods, furnishings and space. And maps of the world with coloured coordinated pins to mark each country we had travelled to and would like to go to in the future. The calendar at home was always full, each holiday booked months in advance and I could breathe easily with my heavy workload knowing we had some fun time ahead with six weeks marked firmly on dates to spend a few weeks together with no laptops, phones or audio conference calls. We could enjoy sipping sangria watching our kids play as the warmth would hit our faces sitting on white beaches, blue skies, the aroma of sun lotion and our kids splashing in the pools and being charmed by the foreign waiters.

There was always a goal, an arrival and an end destination. It felt so good looking back knowing I had achieved so many goals. My career moves were all carefully planned. Each job taken knowing there was a new beginning, a target to reach and a new ladder to climb.

But imagine waking up to nothing. No plans, no holidays, no house development plans, no job promotions, no husband, no goals and an empty calendar. No hope of achievements in any capacity. Not knowing where you’re going or where you will be.

You see I have been here before, with an Invisible Future. I was scared, lost and afraid to feel the loss. My partner, soulmate, my planning buddy was gone. All the hopes we shared, planned for, dreamed of and carefully mapped were gone. Just like that. As quick as a sniper taking a life.

He took my future, my kids’ futures, the grandparents, friends and family. The world we once knew and loved was gone. I still question how and why it could even have happened. We had everything in our lives planned and our future mapped out. Except I knew nothing about the biggest secret he was hiding, way down deep inside him. A secret that would change us in ways we never knew even possible.

My five year goals disappeared, my calendar emptied, my home was sold, my partner was gone, no holidays, no career goals. An empty void.

Who knew that my future would be so unplanned? I was spiralling, falling, lost, so afraid to take a step, to move away from a plan, not able to see an end or a new beginning.

In times like this you have to trust the universe. Trust that you are on the right path even if you can't see where your pathway is leading you to. It's a really hard place to just be and trust without knowing what's ahead, financially, work wise, holidays and how life will be in five years from now.

Five years ago, my world and future just stopped overnight. All I can say is to try to not worry. Do not fret. It is scary and none of us really know what's ahead for any of us. But just breathe and know these days will come and pass. The rain will come and the sun will shine. We will hear kids playing together, plan holidays, sit in the sun and drink sangria. Make plans and enjoy all of our lives a little more than before. We will never take anything for granted.

So why did I always feel the need for five year goals? It was to better myself, to push myself on in life. It came from growing up with very little, no holidays or nice homes. I wanted to give my kids what I never experienced or had. A life full of colour and smells, travels and adventures. I am glad I used this method as we got to experience some amazing times. After seeing how fragile any plans can be, it really makes you realise you can have a million plans but it only takes one secret, one deadly virus to kill them all off.

I know I can and will get through this period of an Invisible Future. After all I've done it all before and am still here to share my story with you all.