Please note: this piece contains descriptions of trauma and abuse that some readers may find upsetting.
Did you worry where I’d gone…
On the 1st and 2nd of April 2021?
Thank you Scotland for your care
I didn’t realise that you were there
I just thought I was a wee alone mum
I didn’t realise the effect of what I’d done
Now I know hundreds tried to connect
Via Facebook, phone and the internet
Please forgive me for the worry I caused
I thought this was the end and all was lost
At the time I had no access to a phone
So when I wandered away I was all alone
But in Glasgow, strangers stopped to chat
I was never by myself, be sure of that
Men & boys helped me find a place of rest
A peace camp is where they thought best
Two of them had once been in Gartnavel
They understood me being unstable
I cried for families devastated by wars
But I couldn’t sleep for the passing cars
My mind so ill, the headlights so bright
I sang bits of songs late into the night
I had nowhere to go, afraid I would burn
The little caravan shook, causing concern
The next day I had severe pain in my heart
Thought I was dying, I was told to depart
I struggled and fell onto the road
I thought that I was going to implode
A car passed inches from my head
I was in pain, but by a miracle, not dead
Migraines caused me to become chaotic
Leading the police to find me psychotic
I’d been sexually abused as a teen
By a policeman, so I found I screamed
I was captured and returned to hospital
The locked ward made escape impossible
My whole body system was deteriorating
My temperature was overheating
My head was bursting
Nurses voices sounded piercing
I was wearing nappies and incontinent
Not coping with touch was predominant
Tooth & hair brushes, clothing, too painful
Restraints quickly becoming disdainful
Once, with the TV on, I saw my boy
I felt so proud, I had such joy
He was dancing on a music video
In retrospect it was nearly impossible
I was so drugged up I couldn’t speak
My left hand was disturbingly weak
I couldn’t breathe, thought I wouldn’t wake
Believing my whole life was at stake
Every move and word was observed
The whole thing leaving me unnerved
Powerful treatments left me unaffected
Until my original medication was injected
I cannot write about all my experience
Some of it is too indecent
Parts of it are very painful
Other periods have been too shameful
Still other times have caused me tears
Being unfairly labelled has lead to fears
But there are also wonderful coincidences
Connected by your inner radiances
My degree is psychology, I speak my mind
I’m trained to interpret humankind
So too intelligent to be mentally unstable?
I’ve battled with this since I was postnatal
It’s a very confusing thing to explain
Everything still seems logical to my brain
Yet it causes such bizarre behaviour
Frightening emotions & imminent danger
As lockdown eased visitors came to share
Nurses & patients demonstrated care
As did the police, in their unique way
Without whom I could have died that day
I was discharged from hospital in June
This left me fearful, feeling alone too soon
Unfortunately the hospital didn’t feel safe
But the nation’s spirit held me in grace
My experience was hell, my mind a mess
And over one year on I must confess
Without God’s love I’d be gone
My story needs told although it’s long
Others in Scotland are also mentally ill
And we aren’t getting better with just a pill
We need compassion in our communities
Not fear of punishment or public scrutiny
This illness makes us very vulnerable
There is no cure, it’s unpredictable
So here’s my message not in rhyme
Thank you for sparing the time…
In Scotland, community love shone bright.
So many people have kindly helped me,
strangers, family, friends, neighbours,
patients, police, lawyers and NHS staff,
I’m fortunate to be alive to tell my story.
So I wanted to publicly say thank you,
because people’s thoughts, prayers,
and positive intentions were answered.
Thank you for continuing to think of me,
as in some ways I’m still missing,
these traumas eroding my sense of self.
Loneliness still hugs me daily,
this illness affects so many relationships,
the pain of which is very hard to bear.
For now I’m missing in the life of my son.
My guarded hope is to see him again.
It's an hourly task to choose love not fear.
Sometimes I believe the battle is won.
When I look forward it’s overwhelming,
I don’t want a repeat of this crazy living.
But for now my health is slowly returning,
and it’s thanks to the people of Scotland.
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