Please note: this piece contains descriptions some readers may find upsetting.
It was snowing. It started to flutter the instant he was gone. I remember leaving the hospital in a daze. I didn’t even realise I was crying until the sting of the cold air tried to turn my tears to ice. I drove to a nearby pond and just walked, or shuffled, forgetting how to put one foot in front of the other. My life with him replaying in my head.
It was a different kind of day when we first met. It was spring, and warm. There were buds on the branches and daffodils were fighting to be seen. I arrived at the new stable-yard and saw the flickering brown ears of my boy; his fuzzy face was turned away from me his tongue plunged into a cup of cold tea! He immediately lifted his head, curled his lip in disgust and then went back to the cup for a second go.
‘You may as well have my biscuit too,’ a man laughed.
‘Magpie!’ I said, ‘Don’t steal the man’s lunch!’
The man was startled.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I should have asked,’
‘It’s ok, he would have robbed you anyway. This is Magpie,’
‘Interesting,’ he smirked.
‘I know it’s strange calling a bay horse Magpie but there’s a reason,’ I protested.
‘Ok, what’s that then?’ He asked politely.
‘He’s a rescue. I thought we could be two sorrowful Magpies together, bringing each other joy,’ So many people thought this was ridiculous.
‘That’s kinda sweet. He’s lovely. I’m Steven,’ he held out his hand and I shook it. I was glad to have made a friend. Sometimes the horse world can be catty and moving yards is a roll of the dice.
‘I have the dragon on the top yard,’ he explained.
‘Dragon?’ I enquired.
Before he could answer I was interrupted by the sound of raspy barking. A stunning pug came rolling out from behind a bale of hay ledge.
‘This is Roxy,’ he introduced.
I forgot everything I knew about dog handling and picked her up.
‘Wait,’ he shouted too late. She turned into a Tasmanian-devil and tried to maul me.
I set her down, ‘Sorry, I should’ve known better,’
‘I’m sorry, I should have warned you. Both my girls are a bit… spicy,’
He introduced me to Fox and told me about how he had wanted her the moment he laid eyes on her, but she had a bad reputation. He worked with her and learned about her and although he was strict, he was always fair, with a polo in his pocket. He told me some wild stories, some of which I didn’t believe right away.
I told him I had lost my confidence, and he said,
‘If I can ride with one leg, you can ride with two,’ He smiled expecting a reaction, but I didn’t give him one, I thought it was a bad joke.
That was until one day he came trotting up from the field bare back and asked if someone could go and get his leg from the mud. I was shocked! This man was the greatest rider I had ever seen.
I still remember the day I came up to the yard and heard S-club-7 blasting, he was doing dressage to music. They both looked so fluid, like they were one animal, moving in unison. He helped me to reconnect to my darling horse and get over some major blocks. He even let me ride Fox. We spent a lot of time together at the yard.
I remember I told him about a dream I had where I stole Fox. He laughed so much. Little did we know Steven didn’t have long left. He soon discovered he had stage 4 cancer.
‘Maybe I’ll get extra points for the Paralympics,’ he had said but his beautiful blue eyes were dulled with fear.
He kept fighting until the day the Doctor’s told him there was nothing else, they could do. He slipped into depression, which is allowed. Even the greatest of warriors are allowed to feel their own emotions. Myself and another one of his friends would drop off gifts to him, we told him it was ok that he didn’t feel like talking but that we were all here for him. One day he called and invited me and another friend to visit.
‘I want to ask you something, but don’t feel like you have to say yes,’ he whispered.
‘Ok,’ I said, a little apprehensively.
‘I can’t visit Fox anymore. I know she’s not easy, but you’ve helped animals before, can you help her find a home?’ he looked me in the eyes.
‘I will keep her until I find the perfect home, if I don’t find someone she likes, then she’s with me for life! I promise!’
He talked about how he thought she would make a perfect horse for a teenage girl. We talked for hours. His mind seemed calmer. He saved his horse, and he saved me too. He taught me to trust myself, my instincts and I wish I could have saved him.
The day after he died it was still snowing. I let Fox into the arena and told her he was gone. She already knew. She galloped around and curled her lip to the sky, as though crying goodbye Dad. A few months after he died, I had a dream that we met for coffee, I apologised for stealing his horse. He said,
‘It’s ok. I need to travel,’
He got into a bright silver elevator and pressed up. I tried to go in with him, but he wouldn’t let me. Fox is still going strong. She is on long-term loan to a fantastic girl, she’s in her 20’s so not a teenager, sorry Steven. They recently entered a showing competition and came first. The judges asked if Fox had been trained to look at the judges because she was a beauty queen through and through.
Friendship doesn’t end with Death.
If you've been affected by this piece, please see our support page(this link will open in a new window) for help and advice.