Ah was lookin’ forward to this. Ah always did. After all – it’s better than sex. Isn’t?
Ah’d decided “now” was today’s “right moment”.
Ah was walkin’ to ma bedroom wi’ tha’ weird, compatible mix of both calm an’ excited anticipation. Dodged the stale socks he was throwin’ at our “teenager” an’ continued almost … naw … absolutely serenely upstairs.
Sixteen of them. Everyone counts … Don’ ye?
Another step closer.
As Ah reached for the handle, there was an attempt to assault ma ears.
‘LAUREN! WHAT TIME DO WE NEEDTAE LEAVE FOR YOUR APPOINTMEN’!?’
Naah! Ma force-field was already in place an’ impenetrable.
Gently an’ wi’ none of the angst touchin’ me, Ah closed the door wi’ that satisfyin’ ‘moment alone’ Click.
Jist… Click.
How can a wee Click signify so much?
PAIN!
The… piercin’, stabbin’ pain to ma head!
Nah!
Nothing! would deflate the certain delight Ah was about to experience.
On openin’ the drawer, catchin’ sight a’ tha’ gloriously purple box was yet another stimulus. Another step closer.
Reachin’ into the box, Ah closed ma eyes tae heighten more senses as ma fingers found the perfect shape of it.
The familiar form. The familiar smell. The familiar crinkle of surroundin’ packagin’.
All hintin’ at the joy about to be experienced.
Wi’ a sudden thought, Ah snatched ma hand back. Looked round.
Were the pillows in jist the righ’ position!?
Was the bedroom door still closin’ out the rest of the house!? The rest of the world? The reality?
All vital components of the perfect moment.
Turnin’ back, Ah caught a wee glimpse of the appointment letter. Ah mean… Aye, thoughts drifted an’ challenged. Bu’ in floatin’ them away, Ah knew they, in my new “normal”, would be underpinned by deep, dark shadows. Everythin’ Ah did. Everythin’ Ah said. Everythin’ Ah felt.
Aye. But… the wee, simple joys Ah seek out an’… an’ focus on… well, they’re stronger. More deservin’ of ma energies.
If “this is it” there can’t be any point to wastin’ time in cripplin’ fear.
That’s what made these really personal moments so vital. A celebration. The drug to carry me, even from the darkness threatenin’ to be the end of ma life.
Determined not to… sully the moment, Ah sped through the next few stages.
Before Ah knew it, Ah was lyin’ on ma bed allowin’ the elation to work.
Eyes closin’ slowly. Gently. Meltin’ velvet. An involuntary groan.
All other sound muted.
Man. The welcome ecstasy centrin’ at ma core an’ shootin’, wi’ absolute precision, to every nerve-endin’ in ma body.
Float. Jist… float.
Maybe ther’ was a sense of it all bein’ done too soon.
It’s just once a day. Signifyin’ ma refuellin’ of strength in fightin’ this… yet to be “known” condition.
Ach, Ah know these “alone times” wi’ my… “favourite” were perfectly timed to make each one precious, desired, sa keenly anticipated. An ‘applause’ fur me. For ma wee self.
Aaaanyway, Ah then felt… ready. Ready for the day’s challenge.
Still almost floatin’, Ah moved t’wards the drawer… restorin’ order around the secret wee box.
Aye, it has to be said that, on notin’ a dwindlin’ supply, the teeny, wee tap of alarm tried to pierce ma calm.
But.
Serenity was instantly restored as Ah made a ‘brain note’ to pop in an’ buy more of ma favourite, chocolate truffles…
… A celebration of the simplest joys Ah choose to find in ma life.