The Future - Is this how it ends?

How it begins...

Sometimes my anxiety drives how I see the bigger picture of life; the future. I am talking about something bigger than the short-term or long-term future, the overall existence of humanity with the bleak certainty of a future of death which is bestowed upon every one of us.

Looking back through rose-tinted glasses at my childhood I catch glimpses of the carefree, happy child who wanted to chase the future into double figures of 10 years old, and then 11, 12, 13, something that I looked forward to with each year passing. I saw ageing in a positive light, each year meaning that I had more freedom and gained more experience - something I remember hearing adults reminding me they had more of than me. During my childhood I remember thinking that an age gap of 3, 4, 5 years between children was big (which it was at the time), but it also meant to me that those younger than me were in fact younger children, less able to compete with where I was in life. I felt safe and secure, knowing that the security blanket of my family, primarily my Mum, Dad, Granny, Grandpa, and Brother, were wrapped around me in the sense that my family were ageing but not substantially to merit any changes of a new chapter in my life. I felt this the most during the summer holidays spent in St. Andrews, where we would rent a holiday house and live in it together for two-week long holidays. Each year, visiting St. Andrews during my childhood I experienced very little change with my family dynamic, my brother and I were the children and my parents and grandparents were in the adult roles as our caregivers. I felt content, as this is how my family should be: suspended in time.

Is this how it ends?

And so here I am in my 30's, 35 years old in fact, and feeling the constant ebb of time slip away so much quicker than before. But crucially, I do not feel positive about it. I feel a sense of trepidation in the way I can see the ageing process accelerate in myself and those around me. I feel constantly reminded of the mortality of life and how fragile it is, death can strike out when you least expect it. Equally, age is not forgiving; when I look in the mirror or see someone I care about, I see the marks of ageing - lines on faces, creases like crows feet at the sides of eyes, new and unidentified marks on faces and bodies, and, the worst for me, liver spots on hands. I see these as a badge people wear which is constantly changing along with the faces of time. It is an indicator to the rest of the world of how long we have to live and where we should be in our lives at that moment. True, death can pick us off at any time in our lives, but I consider ageing as more of a certainty in the speed at which we are all moving towards it, like a long conveyor belt where we are all moving just that bit closer to the end.

What I have painted so far is a bleak picture of the future. But I cannot help wonder what the future means in the years ahead for myself and those whom I love. Is there a reason for the small physical changes that I see in people and myself that become substantially more obvious as I get older? Is there a reason why people are no longer the spring chickens that they once were? Is there a reason why the only certainty about my life, and everyone else's, is death? What is the point of life, when there is death?

In 100 years from now, none of it will matter...

I don't know the answer to these questions, no-one knows for sure. But thinking about this has made me try to turn the darkness that I view with growing older, as well as my own perceived acceleration of time as I have become older, into a positive light. Reflecting on this, from the life I have lived so far, I think that what matters is the love and connections I forge with my friends and family. Thinking this way enables me to cherish the time I spend and the memories I make with my loved ones. My hopes and dreams are what also keep me motivated in life, with my determination and faith that I will eventually reach them. My vision of the future has changed markedly over the last few years. Sometimes the wrong paths in life - regrets of buying a house in the wrong area which made me really unhappy - will pave the way to the right path I will take in finding the right house in the right area and building a family with my husband. I value the relationships I build with my family and friends, as they provide me with support and love which will help me to stay strong and reach those hopes and dreams.

But can I really be happy in the place I currently find myself, where I do not truly feel happy? A place where I feel like an outsider, walking past houses in what I imagine to be my preferred location and looking into what seems like other people's idyllic family life. A place where I feel like a competitor in a sports contest where I am not winning, hearing and knowing of people around my own age who are already successfully creating families of their own. I am still grappling with the answer to the question of happiness as well as the question to life itself. Questioning a future where there is the certainty that time does eventually run out for us all, which makes me think that no-one’s life will matter in 80, 90, or 100 years time.