You Were a Force that Shaped Me

We were so close. You were there for me, and I was there for you, as we climbed the tangled vine of growing up together. No real idea of how to make sense of it all, barely scraping through from youth to adulthood. Our first jobs, our new freedom and independence, and scrambling to work out who we were and what we wanted from life. Who would we become? Who did we want to become? We lived together as housemates, sleeping, only separated by a thin wall. You knew the sound of the coughs that plagued me each winter. I recognised who you were talking to on the phone by the distorted tones of your voice.

We did so much and went through so much together. Those early-on cooking disasters, before we had mastered the art of cooking meals for ourselves; the random walks at all hours where we wondered about love and life and faith; that cycle ride to the beach that was so much further than we’d realised; climbing out of our skylights to watch lightning storms from the roof. Those late-night crises in the dark when it seemed as if the sun would never rise, and all we knew to do was be there for each other and sit it out.

And now, I’m driving away from you, far away, hundreds of miles into the North. Again. We only see each other at weddings now, and try to find the space for each other among the crowds of guests and between the dinner and speeches. We’ve changed in so many ways. You still have the same hairstyle, the same dimples, but you’ve become stronger, wiser. You’ve been through pain, and you’ve found someone you think you might love. You’ve changed your career, the one you’d always wanted, and are trying to find time for yourself. You amaze me, but it’s also strange, because I didn’t go through those things with you. We try to call once a month, on our shared birthday date, and share our thoughts and plans. But it’s only a snapshot of you.

We never imagined that life would take us far away from each other. Never really stopped to think about it. Just assumed we would always be a part of each other’s lives.

And in a way, that’s true. You will always be a part of my life. You were one of the forces, like the wind, sea, and sun, that shaped me. That’s unchangeable. The memories that we have and the moments that we’ve shared have been written into our histories. We became adults together, each learning from the other, growing roots that wove around and intertwined, linking us forever under the same sky.

Maybe I only see you once or twice a year now. Yes, it’s definitely not the same. Yes, I always wish the time were longer. But even just these snapshots of you make a part of me feel whole again, and I know you feel the same. So I can keep driving, away from you, knowing that it’s going to be alright. We still don’t really know who we are or who we want to become, but we’re beginning to understand a little more now. And until the next occasion, we’ll keep growing, apart, but still a part of each other.