Your warm smile
on that cold November day
radiated through me
I'd never felt my body desire to be close to someone so badly until then
I wandered into your life
not knowing I would love you forever
or that I’d be at your door this Thursday night
eighteen years old
aching for you to remind me of myself
I just knew I had to be close to you
that I had to see you smile again
and again and again
I think about it a lot
the way I fell in love with you
I think about it now
tipsy on cheap wine
lying on your bed
crying aimlessly about something the friend of the boy who has my heart
said about me on Monday
I think about November
all those years ago
and how I’ve held you so close since then
and how I’ll keep you tucked away in my heart for the rest of my life
I'd keep you in a chain around my neck if I could
close to where I need you most
cool and calm and collected
and beating in time with me
you know so much more than me
you know me so much better than I do
and I’m so glad
I’m afraid of everything Iona
I’m afraid of it all
I’m afraid of living wrong, of saying it incorrectly,
telling people how I feel about them
and knowing how they feel about me
in the end of it all
I know that I’ll be loved
the way I always wanted to be
even when I think I won’t be
because who could ever do that
who could see me at my worst
and kiss my cheek and stay
except for you
I hear you start to laugh
just a little at something I’ve said
and the boy and and his friend and the crushing fear I’ll never be loved disappears
I’m just laughing with you
on your bed
the way we’ve been doing so all these years
and I feel okay through the tears
wrapped up in your cardigan
cheap shitty wine in hand
I let the tears dry
and I let the fear wash over me
this is what falling in love is
I learned from the poets
from the films and the novels
and I learned from you
we’re all grown up now
this is pretty scary
wine on a Thursday night in your bed
used to be tea on a Saturday in town
when the tears were for stressful classes
and shitty mothers
instead of the horrific feeling of falling in love
of figuring out who you are again
and watching someone else figure it out with you
and not knowing if they like it
when did we get older
when did it all go by me
and when do I start to not miss it a little bit
I’m happy
I tell myself downing wine to try stop the crying
I’m happy in a way I never knew I could be
it’s terrifying
to turn around and crash into happiness when you least expect it
and not even know what it is
I’m terrified
can you see it in my eyes?
I’ve been trying to hide it
I’ve been trying to charm my way through it
convince myself it’s not happening
but I forgot I’m not that charming
that I couldn’t convince anyone of anything
I couldn’t convince you of anything
you see straight through me every time
you see the child and you see how scared she is
it’s terrifying
and it feels like home
so every time you open the door
you walk into the kitchen
and I know that’s my cue
to follow
to drink the tea you’re making
or wine you’re pouring
and tell you all about it
to whine and bitch and cry until it feels better
not better but until it subdues
so here I am
on your bed on a Thursday night
scared to death that every time I go home
he’ll tell me not to come back
or that I’ll say the wrong thing
or laugh at the wrong time
or something something something
and I know that it won’t happen
so long as I have you