An Autistic Girl’s Guide to Friendship

1. Don’t go to playgroup; the other kids are not like you. Scream. Cry. Cling to your mother’s legs – whatever it takes. If she makes you go, don’t join in. Watch from the edges like you’re at the zoo, beside the animal enclosure. You relate more to those animals than these humans anyway.

2. At school, form one exclusive, intense friendship. Do everything together, just the two of you, no one else allowed. When that friendship ends (as it inevitably will), you will find another, just the same.

3. You’ll make friends best with the misfit kids. Don’t even try and befriend the regular, let alone the popular ones. Seek out the ones with ‘difficulties’: the girl expelled from her last school, who gets you into trouble by climbing the bathroom stalls with you. The girl from the broken home, who gets you into trouble by climbing trees in the school field with you. The girl with behaviour issues, who gets you into trouble by plotting to run away from school with you (difference is, she actually does it; you’re too good, too anxious, too conscientious; too sensible).

4. If you don’t have a friend, don’t worry. You can amuse yourself walking round and round the perimeter of the school playing field. It’s better than agreeing to kiss boys’ necks so the popular girl will let you play with her. You don’t mind the alone time. Later, you will come to realise you prefer it.

5. When you are invited to play with the others, you’ll feel such a thrill to be included. Don’t get carried away on that emotion. It will be less than ten minutes before you realise how boring the bean bag game actually is.

6. Don’t assume all the other kids don’t like you. You’re terrible at reading other people. I know it feels safer this way; it protects you from disappointment and hurt. But you’ll keep believing this until you’re well into your 20s and it won’t serve you well.

7. Don’t tolerate the other kids bullying you and taking advantage of you just so you can hang out with them. You’re better off without them. Once school is a distant memory, none of them will matter anyway.

8. Friendship groups might just not be for you. Those friendships never go deep enough. You’ll always feel like an outsider; the one who’s tolerated rather than wanted. And don’t get me started on group social rules and dynamics. You won’t understand them. You’ll get them wrong without realising it, and the group will turn on you. It’s not worth the hassle.

9. It’s hard to make friends as an adult. You’ll still find those intense, exclusive friendships to be the only ones you can manage, but that’s ok. You don’t need a lot of friends. Better to have one or two who really matter than many who don’t.

10. Remember to email those few friends every now and again. I know you can just pick up again after a year of silence like no time has passed, but you’ll appreciate having kept in touch.

11. Sometimes friendships just… end. There’s nothing you did wrong, you just grew apart. You will grieve it. That’s natural. Just don’t cling on to something that no longer exists, or blame yourself.

12. That said, friendships will go through bumpy phases. Don’t give up too fast when it gets tough. If you come out the other side, your friendship will be stronger for it.

13. Eventually you’ll come to realise that all your best friends are, or were, autistic. But this doesn’t mean that just because someone’s autistic too, they’re easier to talk to or be friends with. You’ll find this out the hard way when you go to a casual autism meet-up, and cry on the bus all the way home.

14. Realising you’re autistic will really help too. You’ll start to understand yourself, to feel more comfortable in your own skin, and recognise why you approach friendships the way you do. It will provide some welcome answers in a world full of questions.

15. You will force yourself to socialise far more than is comfortable, because it’s what society taught you you should want and need. You don’t. You’re quite happy on your own most of the time. If socialising is draining and exhausting you, if you can’t bear the thought of going to that group or event you agreed to, just stay home. Even if you paid for a ticket.

16. But don’t become a hermit. Sometimes you’ll want to socialise, and if you’ve closed all the doors, there won’t be anyone to go and see. Keep some doors open, and keep some group memberships alive.

17. Groups that meet once a month are ideal, particularly if based around a common interest, and with a conversational structure. That sci-fi and fantasy book group is a good example. Any more frequent and you start to feel like an alien and resent going. Any less structured and you’ll just sit there in silence and hate yourself for it, beating on yourself for your lack of conversational skills.

18. Unless it’s really truly awful, try a group at least twice before determining never to go back. Don’t let one bad experience put you off forever.

19. Be you. If you’re constantly putting on the face (and opinions, and interests) that you think others want to see, you’re not going to find that real connection you’re searching for. If they don’t like who you really are, they’re not the friend for you.

20. Be your own friend. Really. Take yourself out to the park, to the forest, to the art gallery. You’re a great friend to have! You’ll always choose the best cafes, and you’ll always show up on time.