It took me years to finally break free. All along, I could feel this nagging feeling things were not right. Some call it gut instinct. I call her Letitia. So often she would remind me to question things that didn't sit comfortably. You know that feeling you get before sitting an exam or driving test, where your tummy curls up in a ball? That was when she would appear and hold a mirror up to me and ask, ‘Is this really you?’.
Towards the end, Letitia used to talk to me daily. Yet I always ignored what she said. I always hoped I could turn the sinking ship around and anchor it. So I learned a skill to stuff Letitia down, as far as I possibly could so that I could just be. But like a bobbling float, she always managed to free herself and I would hear her voice again the next day. And the day after that.
Most days were spent blocking out the reality, and in the end, I could hardly recognise myself any longer. It's funny how you forget the things that used to make you, You. I forget what makes me, Me. Letitia would often remind me of my younger self: confident, fierce, funny, vivacious, and so full of hope and love.
I had so much to offer, to give, and to share. Little by little, my confidence dwindled like a burning candle, until one day there was nothing left but a flattened-out piece of wax. My body ached all over, the trauma over all the years. The hurt and pain almost unbearable to measure, like a void I could never fill.
It's funny how in life grandparents or parents used to say old quotes, and one that sticks with me is my grandmother saying, ‘Where there's a will, there's a way.’ I kept thinking of her words, reminding myself that there is always a way forward. Everyone deals with change differently. Some embrace change, some shy away and some people are so afraid of a new beginning that they can never take a foot off the tightrope they walk upon. And yet, most of us love change. Change is about renewal, a rebirth, an adventure into an unknown world, a stimulant to awaken our body, mind and souls. But how do we know what pathway or adventure to take? Do we take the obvious one right in front of us, the one that is presented so beautifully and carefully wrapped?! Or do we want to find our own pathway and wrap it ourselves?
One morning, I awoke to the smell of bread baking. The sun was beaming down on the left side of my shoulder. I could feel the warmth almost like a cuddle from the sun. My eyes were alert and focused. In the distance I could hear the waves crashing off the rocks and birds chirping the most beautiful duets. I saw a white rose on the pillow next to me along with a little note. It read, Meet me downstairs and wear something swish! My heart started to race and I started to shake. Where was I going? What did I need to wear? And who had left such a beautiful rose on my bed? I sang in the shower and danced my way out to a beautiful balcony. Smiling, I stood there in awe of the colours of the sky that blended like a painting into the sea. The smell of the ocean, and warmth on my face. I opened my wardrobe door and then saw the most beautiful pale green, silk gown. I had forgotten it was there. It had been lost. A bit like me. I pulled it on and applied my favourite Chanel perfume and dabbed some gloss on my lips. I checked myself in the mirror and reminded myself that I was happy, loved and safe. In that very moment I knew my life was about to change.
As I walked downstairs, I felt different. All along, I had felt this nagging feeling that things were not right. Until today. Some call it gut instinct. I call her Letitia. She was waiting for me in the kitchen and smiled at me as she held up the mirror, ‘This is really you.’ Finally, I felt free.