Dear Alcohol,
This is a letter to say goodbye. It is time to leave you because I have to hope I can be happy again.
Last night I hurt someone because I had spent time with you. I do not even enjoy hanging out with you anymore. I only spend time with you out of habit. Because I think I need you. Now, I think I am beginning to see that you are not good for me, you do not have my best interests at heart and that our relationship is toxic.
Our love affair started when I was twelve. I remember sneaking you from a wine box at a party I went to with my parents. I felt naughty and mischievous squeezing the little black button; watching you slosh and swirl into a glass like precious, happy sunlight.
Some people say it takes a while to enjoy you. For me, I simply loved you at first sight. First taste. You made me feel amazing: relaxed and funny. People liked me more in your company and I loved you for it.
We did not see each other again for a couple of years. When we reunited it was like we had never been apart. It was so easy to pick up from where we left off. You were hidden and quiet until I liberated you from my parent’s drinks cabinet to take you to the under eighteen disco. You fuelled my nights out when I was going out with a popular boy at school. I mistook the attention drawn my way for love.
Even back then, the shakiness of our relationship could be seen: the night I mixed you with paracetamol and tried to climb out of a window; sexual exploits with strangers when I was far too immature; waking up paranoid and shameful when I wondered what I had done with you. Did it happen in real life, or did it happen in my head?
I have tried to form other relationships over the years, but you trashed every single one: I do not know if I am capable of a healthy partnership. After my mum died, I tried to leave you. And another time. And another time after that.
Over the years, people have hinted that our relationship might not be good for me. A comment that I spoke about you too often. Frostiness with me in the morning when I had done something stupid and mean after cavorting with you the night before.
I think I am better off without you, Alcohol.
So, I have banished you from the house. In the past I have tried to just to see you occasionally. Not now. I know that does not work and that I must never see you again. I need to see what I will gain, not what I will lose, after breaking up with you.
I love you, Alcohol, but you are evil, and I really hope I am better off without you. And no, we cannot be friends.
Goodbye,
Emma.
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