I Haven't Been Breathing Lately

By Aynsleigh Hollywood

Did I have tell everyone
in one day
Did I have to pour my heart out
to them all
I had only just accepted 
that I haven't been breathing lately
I will say that I got drunk
It happens, so what
Get yourself into a state that is unsafe
and your mother will worry too
So I told her that now I am
out of education which has been 20 years of my life
I can't see the road ahead 
and it has been making breathing hard
20 years of my life is over 
and so much is in front of me that I can't see
it started two months ago when my subconscious asked me
Will you ever be happy
I didn't have an answer for once in my life
and that made my chest tight 
and my breathing laboured
I ignored it, knowing it would go away
but it ebbed and flowed for those two months
until I drank to make it shut up
I told my mum as I reaped the consequences 
and I told my boss as she yelled at me down the phone
for calling in with self-imposed illness
Two months living with a chest of varying levels of tightness 
that time spent living with stress and being silent
Thinking, it will go away, it is just a phase
I told my colleagues, I told my friends,
I told my parents, I told my brother
They hugged me
and with each hug, squeezing me so tight 
I felt the breath come back
I confess, I have not been breathing lately
and now that have let that out 
Maybe I can learn to breathe again.


Keywords: 
confession, alcoholism, support, family