The Rowing Machine by Ross McGregor

Ah used tae row like fuck every night. No long efter Alison left ah stertit. Ah'd eyweys been fit. Guid boady. When she left ah thoat, fuck, ah'm no gonnae get aw saft noo. Ah wis thinkin along the lines ae gettin a burd, in the future mibbe. Bit there wis somehin mair, somehin aboot wantin tae be stroang, tae be fit tae survive. So ah goat the rowin machine oot the garage an ah pit it in the spare room. There's fuck aw in it anywey. There's no much in the hoose at aw. Aw the stuff wis her's. Ah don't buy anyhin. She hud aw the books an cds an fuckin art.

Ah don't dae the rowin anymair but. It fucked me up tae be honest. Ah don't ken whey.

Ah did ma stretchin before ah goat aw strapped in. In front ae the bedroom windae. It's no a bad view really. Beyond the lights ae the Adsa car park there's some saft rollin hills, and the sky ye can see is that big wey. The only hing is ah kin see the tap flair ae the schull ah work et. Ah hink that's whit makes me hink aboot the fuckin place aw the time. Ah met Alison there. She's a teacher tae. Business Studies. Ah'm Maths.

So ah get strapped in. The velcro ower ma trainers. Ah stert gettin a rhythm gaun. Ah used tae get intae it straight away, fin my rhythm an joost go fu pelt. Ah've mind ae the first time ah noticed there wis somehin wrang. Gettin strapped in, the familiar feelin ae bein stuck there, restrained in these fuckin fit straps. So ah wis pummellin away et it as usual, bit joost wi nae rhythm. It makes it feel aw jerky an irregular. Two fit in front ae me there's a radiator. Ah'm starin et the white bors ae the radiator, an aw ah kin hink aboot is ma fuckin work. No ma work as in teachin weans maths, bit talkin tae folk, ma colleagues, tryin tae get oan wi folk an failin fuckin miserably. Ah've thoat aboot this kinna hing aw the time since Alison left. Ah cannae talk tae folk noo. It's as if she wis ma mooth. An ah keep replayin aw these scenes in ma heid, where ah've been in situations wi folk, an ah've joost made an arse ae masel. That's where the heidaches come in. When yer tryin tae row an ye cannae get yer rhythm and yer hinkin aboot aw this pish, an yer heid's killin ye, it's no guid. Ah keep tryin but, tryin tae get this rhythm, bit it's joost nae yis. Ah'm aw jerkin aboot, uneven, joost daein it aw wrang. Ah could feel the blood pumpin tae ma temples, aw this pressure. Ah hud tae stoap eventually, and ah went and wis seek in the bog. Joost hud tae go tae ma bed.

Then wan day at ma work ah wis talkin tae ma mate Gav. He's no really ma mate. We huv a gemm a derts at brek. Sometimes ah cannae stand um. He's dead easy gaun, an that dis ma heid in sometimes. If ah'm oan edge aboot somehin, him bein aw easy-oasy aboot it joost makes it worse. We were talkin aboot exercisin an that. He wis sayin he could be daein wi gettin tae the gym. He's younger than me, in his early therties, bit ah says tae um, wance yer ower therty ye've goat tae watch, ye've goat tae work et it. An there he is, sittin there smilin et the wimmin, eatin a fuckin packet a criss. Ah says tae um, nae wunner ye're gettin chubber, eatin aw that shite. Ah only eat fruit durin the day, an drink black coffee. No muny calories there. An he laughs an says ah ken, ah ken. The wimmin love him tae. So ah pulls up ma shirt an shows um ma stomach, fuckin rock hard, nae fat hingin ower ma belt at aw. See that, ah says. Fuckin hell Boydy, he says, aw shocked. An he nudges some ae the other fellas an they're aw huvin a feel et ma stomach, impressed as fuck. Ah dae the rowin machine every night, ah says. Ye need tae be disciplined. An Gav says, ah might try that. Then the bell rang an he ambled awa, chattin tae some new French teacher.

This wis aw a wee while ago noo.

Ah wis gradually gettin worse an worse et the rowin. Ah wis still daein it mind, bit ah wis strugglin. It wisnae joost the heidaches and feelin seek an hinkin aboot ma work aw the time. Ah wis hinkin aboot Alison tae. Starin intae they white bors ae the radiator and hinkin aboot her. Wan day ah could really feel ma waddin ring diggin intae ma haun when ah gripped the honnels ae the machine. Ah stertit hinkin aboot Alison an how wur rings used tae kinna scrape thegeither when we wur haudin hauns. Ah remembered it dead vividly, this metallic scrapin while wur fingers wur loacked thegeither. Ah stertit gettin aw light-heidit an hud tae stoap. Everyhin wis blurry, joost these white bors in front ae me.

Efter that ah went doon the stair an hud a gless ae watter. Ah stood an luked et the phone fur ages, hinkin aboot speakin tae Alison. Ah kept sayin her name as if ah wis answerin the phone ower an ower again. Hiya Alison. Hiya Alison. There's somehin aboot the name, the el sound, it joost lilts in yer mooth like liquid. Ye huv tae push it gently wi yer tongue. Alison.

Wan day et work ah mentioned ma heidaches an that tae Gav. He'd been sayin aboot how guid the rowin wis, he wis daein it regularly, an aye, he wis lukin a bit trimmer ah hud tae admit. So ah said tae um that ah've been strugglin wi these heidaches, aw this tension and fuck knows whit else. An he sterts oan aboot how he fins it dead relaxin. Hard work, bit relaxin tae. Ah snorts as this joost seems typical ae his fuckin attitude. Then he says he imagines hings when he's rowin. Ah joost hink ae a river ah'm rowin doon, he says. Rowin along a big river somewhaur nice an warm. Ah'm hinkin, fuck off. Bit et the same time ah'm desperate tae stoap these heidaches an everyhin else. An ah thought, ah suppose ah'm imaginin hings already up tae a point, bit mibbe joost no the right hings. So ah hink aboot tryin tae channel ma imagination towards nicer hings, like a river.

That night ah dae ma usual, get aw strapped in, stert rowin et a guid pace, tryin tae get the rhythm gaun. Ah try tae hink aboot a river. Ah imagine these postcaird images ae rivers, like the Thames gaun by the Parliament, ur the Nile, wi the pyramids paistit oantae the backgrun. Ah'm rowin, bit ah'm no there in the boat, ah'm no oan the river. So ah try harder, shuttin ma een an concentratin. Ma rhythm feels awright an ah stert seein a river, flowin aheid ae me. It's dark, bit ah can see the ripples ae the watter, an there's riverbanks oan each side, wi some kinda wildlife there but it's too dark so ah cannae right see it. Bit ma river's definitely there, flowin. An when ah pu the oars it feels like it's in watter, the pu, the power ae it, an the noise tae, lappin an splashin oantae the side ae ma boat. Fur ah meenit ah'm smilin et masel, hinkin aye, this is fuckin brilliant, ah'm oan a river. Then ah stert feelin a bit ae a drag oan the oars, an ma erms an hauns ur strugglin against it. Ah'm strainin when a pu bit ah try hard tae stey wi ma river. Ah see it an ah feel it, ma river's there awright bit it's like fuckin syrup, gloopin aff ma oars an ah'm barely movin. Ma boat's gettin stuck an ah cannae move it. Ma erms ur brekin puin these oars. Ah'm fucked. Ma river an everyhin goes black an ah huv tae stoap.

The next day et the schull ah wis aboot tae ask Gav aboot his river when some new wumman teacher, ah didnae ken her name, she passes Gav an says tae um, ye've loast the weight Gav, ye been workin oot? So Gav fucks off an sits aside her, probably tellin her aw aboot his exercise regime. An ah'm stonin there oan ma tod, an ma haun's burnin grippin ma coffee. Somebody said somehin tae me an it took me a wee while tae fin ma bearins. Ah couldnae speak tae naebudy. Aw day efter that aw ah wis hinkin aboot wis ma river, an whey it wisnae a guid river. Whey ah wis gettin heidaches an feelin seek aw the time. Whey ah couldnae speak tae naebudy. Whey ah kept stonin lukin et the phone, waitin fur Alison tae phone. Ah couldnae dae ma work.

Efter lunchtime this fat wee boy came intae ma cless munchin a packet a criss an cairyin a can a cola, straight intae ma clessroom no giein a fuck. Ah loast it. Ah swiped the criss aff um, an fuckin knoacked the can fleein across the cless, showerin aw these weans in cola. It stoatit aff this wee lassie, a nice wee lassie tae, wan ae the guid yins, fuckin knoacked her glesses aff. Ah stood still fur a meenit an they were aw lukin et me, aw silent. Then ah knew. Ah kent ah wis fucked an wid huv tae gae hame.

It felt weird gettin hame early. The hoose seemed emptier. Ah didnae ken whit tae dae. Ah ken ah shoulda gone tae ma bed. Ah wis shattered. Bit ah went up the stair an took aff ma claise an sat oan ma rowin machine. Ah wanted it tae work, this river hing. Ah didnae want tae stoap rowin.

So ah stertit. Ah pulled back the honnels wance an ah thought aboot ma river. It appeared straight away, as if ah hud joost plucked the scene oot ma heid. Ah thought it might be awright at first - it wis ma river, kinna dark still bit ah could see an feel an hear it. Ah pulled the oars again. It wisnae easy. Thick watter. Ah luked doon an ma river wis black. No joost black watter. Black tar. Ah luked at the bankin an there were these een in the dark, lukin et me. Ah tried tae pu the oars back bit ah couldnae. Ma erms were weak as watter an a joost fell aff the sate. Ah hudne strapped ma feet in. Ah crawled through tae ma bed an goat unner the covers. Ah felt weak an battered, as if some cunt hud been gein me a guid kickin. Ah shut ma een, it wis aw ah could dae.

Aw a remember is this dream ah hud. Ah wis oan a river, rowin aw easy, movin along. It wisnae like watter really, mair like thin, clear oil. The oars joost slipped through it. Ah luked et ma boat. It wis a big long widden rowin boat. Alison wis lyin et the other end ae it. She wis sleepin, aw peaceful, an ah wis rowin us along the river. We were gaun somewhere, ah don't ken where. The oily watter lapped ower the side ae the boat, splashin oan ma legs, aw warm an saft. Ah luked roon fur the bankin, bit there wisnae wan. It wis joost the river everywhaur.

Ah steyed in ma bed fur a couple a weeks, aff ma work. When ah felt a bit better the first hing ah did wis get the rowin machine oot the hoose. Ah needed some exercise but, ah felt ah wis gettin saft already. So ah went an joined this gym doon the road. Ah dae aw the benches, the weights, the treadmill. An they've goat these screens an ye can joost luk et music videos. There's loads ae tottie but naebudy talks. They've aw goat thur heidphones oan, starin intae space. When ah see thum daein the rowin machine, ah wunner whit kinna river they're imaginin. Different folk've goat different rivers. Ah stey clear ae they rowin machines but. Ah don't want a river anymair.