Out of the Black and into the Blue by Janet Addis
The crazy thing is it started out like any other normal day. I got up, washed, dressed and had breakfast. I then went outside for a ciggie and psyched myself up for a day of hard work. Hang on; rewind this a little. I need to put this into some kind of context. I was on a week long course in a hotel in Fife, learning about recovery from mental health issues.
So there I was, learning about recovery and wondering if any of this applied to me. I always was a bit of a sceptical cynic. At the time I had suffered from depression and anxiety for many years and had compulsively pulled out my hair strand by strand since I was a teenager. As a result, my hair was very thin and you could see my scalp; not a pretty sight I can tell you! I also had scars on my arms from self harm. So there was I, sat in a room with about 25 other people, both professional and service users, wondering if my boss had really made the right choice in sending me. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciated the fact that she thought I would benefit from the course, it was just at that point I wasn’t really sure if I was actually benefiting from it at all.
The strange thing is that despite this being an extraordinary day, I don’t remember a lot of what happened until the afternoon. Firstly I had to do a presentation on who I was. I had to strip away the protective layers I had built up around myself over the years. This is what I said:
At first I thought it would be relatively easy to say who I am, but it’s not. So I decided to say who I’m not:
I’ve been bullied, verbally and physically abused, but that’s who I’m not.
I’m seen as some kind of freak due to the way I look, But that’s who I’m not.
I use self injury as a coping strategy,
But that’s who I’m not.
I’m an agitated depressive,
But that’s who I’m not.
So, Who Am I?
I’m not really sure. What I know is:
I’m a mother to a pain in the arse; in other words, a teenager.
I’m a volunteer; the best job I’ve ever had.
And I’m a friend to those who need it.
But that still begs the question; Who Am I?
Again, I’m not really sure. What I would like to think is that:
I’m a warm, Kind hearted person who would do anything for her friends.
I have a wicked sense of humour.
I can make people feel good about themselves.
I’m a good listener.
And I’m passionate about righting injustice.
But again, the question remains; Who Am I?
I would like to think that:
I’m honest; with myself and with others.
I’m genuine; no facade; but I know that’s not strictly true.
I don’t look in the mirror and see a monster.
I’m not filled with self loathing and hatred for myself; but I know that’s not true.
What is true is that:
I’m quiet, quite shy (without alcohol) and lack confidence and self esteem.
All this I want to change.
There’s a line from the Nirvana song ‘All Apologies’ which I think is really appropriate:
‘All in all is who we are.’
So, Who Am I?
I’m Me.
And I’m a human being, just like everybody else.
Everyone who heard it felt it was really powerful. We then moved into pairs and we had to tell our stories. That was not as difficult as I had told my story before. I could go into details of the rest of the day but I don’t want to bore you with the details.
And so to the point of realisation and the reason why this day is so special. Going back to my room to freshen up before the evening meal, I had some sort of epiphany. It’s the only word I can think of to describe it. It was the realisation that since I had started the course, I had not pulled my hair out; not one strand. It felt weird and I felt different. I wanted to jump up and down and shout it from the rooftops. It was like walking out of a very long dark tunnel into bright sunshine and not being frightened of what I would find. I was starting to feel better about myself; me, the sceptic, the cynic, the one who thought that recovery was probably beyond her, and damn if the change didn’t feel good!
So there you have it. It goes without saying that I went to the bar and had a few drinks to celebrate my own personal achievement. It also goes without saying that this has continued since then. I feel better about myself than I have in years. I look after myself now and when I look in the mirror, I don’t see a monster any more and I haven’t pulled my hair out either. My self confidence and self esteem have increased and I no longer take as much crap as I used to.
On the last day of the course, I thanked everyone for helping me feel better about myself. But here’s the thing, I did it myself. Everybody just supported and enabled me to turn the corner or come out of the tunnel, whatever you want to call it. That one day was the start of a new outlook on life for me. Life is full of challenges and if we face them head on, we can learn to dodge the ones that are not important and deal with the challenges that matter. On 16 April, I started to live again instead of just existing.
