Katie
See You On The Other Side
Some people think I'm lucky. Lucky that I know when all this is going to end. That I can pretty much mark the date on my calendar that I'm going to die. Some people with cancer don't get that. I have time to "prepare myself for death". But how exactly do I prepare myself for death? It's not like I have to pack a suitcase for heaven.
I guess that's what everyone here is doing - "preparing to die". On Ward C there are only eight of us. Everyone, like me, has only a few months to live. Ward C is like a waiting room for death. The nurses here don't see it that way,
"It is the quality of life, not the quantity that's important" is the motto around here. Everything is about "making the most of it". Ward C is full of pictures of patients grinning at the camera, wearing Santa hats at Christmas and funny costumes at Halloween. They could be pictures of anyone, if it wasn't for the fact that next to every picture there was a list of names and dates of death.
The Buddy System is the latest in a long line of bizarre activities designed to improve our quality of life. It's a simple idea, teenage cancer patients are paired up with an elderly patient. It sounds fine in theory but all the old people here just sleep all the time. How are you supposed to buddy with someone who is always asleep?
The nurses gather us all in Ward E, that's the elderly ward, to announce the buddy partners. Sitting in rows like this we look like a carton of eggs, the chemo has the same effect on all of us - young or old. Elsie, the head nurse, cleared her throat and began to list the names of the teenagers and the old person they would be paired with,
"Anna, you are paired with Maggie"
I turned around and tried to work out which one Maggie was, but they all just had this blank expression on their faces. Elsie finished and told us all to go and sit with our "buddies". I just stood there, in the centre of the room, not really knowing what to do. Elsie came over and took me by the arm. Elsie is tall and has this big mop of red hair and wears bright red lipstick to match. Right now the lipstick is smeared like blood all over her front teeth.
"This is Maggie," she said, pulling me towards a woman sitting in the corner of the room reading a book. The woman looked up but didn't smile. Elsie bent down and spoke loudly and slowly to Maggie,
"THIS ... IS ... ANNA ... SHE'S ... GOING ...TO ...BE....YOUR... BUDDY"
Elsie stood up and patted me on the head. Maggie closed over her book and took her reading glasses off,
"Elsie dear,"
She started sweetly but her tone became more irritated as she continued,
"I would like to remind you, for the last time that I may be old but I'm not deaf ... so you don't have to shout every time you speak to me, is that clear?"
Elsie just smiled at Maggie and walked away. Maggie didn't acknowledge me and turned back to her book. I stood there awkwardly for a moment, not really sure what I was supposed to do. Maggie was a small woman, with silver wisps of hair on her bald head, she had bright blue eyes which I assumed must have sparkled once but now just seemed like empty shells. I must have been staring at her because she looked up abruptly,
"Oh, are you still here?" she said, looking me up and down with a disapproving look on her face.
"Eh, yes," I smiled. I didn't know what to say to her, so I just said the first thing that came into my head,
"What are you reading?"
"Dickens. Although I suppose you won't have read any of his work"
I hadn't, of course. She smirked.
"Didn't think so."
She looked back to her book. There was a spare seat next to her so I sat down. She still didn't acknowledge me.
"So, is it a good book?" I asked.
"You talk an awful lot don't you?"
I didn't know what to say to that, so I just sat there. For the next fifteen minutes we sat in awkward silence.
I was relieved when Elsie announced that it was time for the teenagers to return to their ward. I stood up and said,
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then,"
She just grunted. Elsie led the eight of us back to the dorm. We passed the staff room on the way; it's a small room with a couple of chairs, a fridge and a bookcase ...
"Elsie," I asked "Are there any of Charles Dickens's books in the staffroom?"
"One or two," she replied
"Can I borrow one?"
She looked at me, confused, "Yes Anna," she tutted "you are an odd one, aren't you?"
She walked across the staffroom and brought out a book. She handed it to me.
"Why do you want it?"
"No reason..." I lied. If Maggie wasn't going to make an effort, I would have to.
***
The next day, when we went into Ward E, Maggie was sitting in her corner again. I marched over and took the seat beside her. I pulled out my book, Oliver Twist, and said,
"Dickens writes wonderfully, don't you think?"
She chuckled; it was a nice sound, almost comforting. It had been a long time since someone had laughed at what I said.
"Good one," she said "What was your name again?"
"Anna, I'm 14, how old are ..." I stopped abruptly. She was scowling at me.
"I don't care to share my age with you child. Hasn't your mother told you it's rude to ask a lady her age?"
My mother had never said. Then again, I got cancer when I was ten. After that the only thing we ever discussed was being ill.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to ..."
"Shh..." She said, pointing to her book, then mine.
I turned back to my book.
"How long do you have left?" She asked bluntly.
I was taken aback. No one had spoken to me about my death. They had always pretended like it wouldn't actually happen, not to me, anyway. And here was Maggie, who I had known for one day and had barely spoken to me, asking me. I should have hated it, shouldn't I? Hated that she was giving me yet another reminder of how I had a few months to live. But I didn't, it was nice that for once, someone was asking.
"Four months, at the most." I hesitated, "You?"
"Two months..." She looked down at her feet.
"I'm sorry..." I said. I knew myself how little this would help but I didn't know what else to say.
"It's not your fault ..." she said quietly "You don't need to be sorry"
***
Elsie stood up in the centre of the room.
"You've spent two days with your buddies, so now we are going to change things a bit. Today the buddies from Ward E will decide what they and their buddy will do!!"
She smiled down at us all, red lipstick smeared over front teeth, in her usual patronising manner.
"So have fun!!" she finished.
Maggie dug around in the big handbag she always had by the side of her chair. She pulled out four knitting needles and two big balls of wool.
"Knitting?" I asked, failing to hide the disgust in my voice.
"You'll take what I give you and you'll like it." she said, thrusting the wool and needles into my face. I struggled with the needles; unable to get them to start doing whatever it was they were supposed to do. Maggie laughed so loud it seemed to echo through the room. All the other buddies turned to stare at us but by this point the two of us had descended into an uncontrollable fit of childish giggles. It took us at least five minutes to properly calm down. We both sighed.
A while passed in comfortable silence. I eventually got the hang of the knitting but Maggie was still a lot faster than be. She hummed quietly as she knitted. Her frail hands moved quickly with the needles. The faster she knitted, the louder she hummed. I couldn't help but join in, we must have looked strange to everyone else but we didn't care. Maggie looked up and smiled at me. There was a definite sparkle in her eyes now.
The session seemed to end too quickly. As I got up to leave she took my hand.
"Thank you, Anna"
I smiled back at her before being led away by Elsie and the other nurses.
***
The next day it was Ward C's turn to choose what to do. While the other kids grabbed iPods and their Nintendos, I didn't take anything. There was nothing I could teach Maggie. She wouldn't want an iPod. So instead I just sat down in my usual chair and said,
"I want to know about you." She looked pleasantly surprised.
"Me?" she asked, "There is nothing interesting about me, Anna"
"But I want to know it all." I replied in the blunt manner which she was so skilled in using. She looked at me and knew I wasn't going to drop this. So she started telling me it all. She told me how she came from a family of seven children, of how she married her childhood sweetheart when she was only twenty, that they had travelled across Europe one summer and how she worked as a teacher for fifteen years. Then she told me how her husband had died ten years ago, how she missed him every day and wanted him now, in her last weeks of life, more than ever.
"You're lucky," I said, when she had finished
"What do you mean, Anna?"
"You have a story to tell. I won't ever get married, I won't travel Europe, all the things I want to do, why don't I get any of that?" I suddenly broke down in tears, uncontrollable and loud sobs which made everyone in the room turn and stare at me. Maggie took me in her arms and held me close. I continued to cry and by this point Elsie was rushing over to see if I was ok.
"Anna, dear, what's wrong?"
Maggie looked irritated by Elsie's presence. She scowled up at her,
"Nothing you can help with Elsie, trust me," She turned back to me and patted me gently on the head. I sat up and she handed me a tissue.
"Thanks," I mumbled, sniffing and wiping my eyes, "I feel like a right idiot"
"Oh Anna," Maggie laughed "We've all done it, you know"
I smiled a bit.
"And Anna, you do have a story," She said looking at me with a serious, but comforting look I hadn't seen her use before.
"What do you mean?" I asked
"You have a story. You might not know what it is yet, but you'll understand one day."
I wanted to ask more but the session ended and I was dragged away by Elsie and the other nurses.
I lay awake in bed that night, wondering what she'd meant. How could I, who'd spent the last 4 years of my life in hospital, have done anything?
***
The next day Elsie woke me early. She sat on the edge of my bed and pulled a small brown envelope from her pocket.
"Maggie died this morning, Anna," she spoke gently but with no real feeling in her voice. Death was her business, she saw it every day here, and it no longer fazed her at all. It shouldn't have fazed me either, having been in and out of here for the past four years, I had seen plenty of deaths yet none had left the huge hole in my stomach that the news of Maggie's death did. None made me gasp and feel physically sick. None made me cry, like I began to do, with Elsie sat on the end of my bed, not really sure how calm me down.
"She left you a letter, Anna" She said, placing the brown envelope on my pillow as I lay down, pulling my duvet over my head.
The day passed in a blur of tears and before I knew it the sun had set and everyone else was asleep. Maggie's letter lay unopened on my pillow. I sat up and slowly opened it. It smelt of her, a sweet mixture of perfume and old books. It was written on a piece of paper with kittens in the bottom corner.
Dearest Anna,
I wanted to thank you for making my last days of life so special , you will never understand quite how much it meant to me to have a friend.
When you asked to know everything about me, I didn't tell you it all. I didn't tell you that until you came along, I had nothing to live for. You brought sunshine to my life Anna, and that was a near impossible task.
You told me that you didn't have a story Anna, but you do. I am your story. You may not travel the world or get married, Anna but you have changed a life and sometimes people who live for sixty years don't do that. Never forget how special you are.
I am not gone forever Anna, you will see me soon. I'm in a better place now and I'm waiting for you,
See you on the other side,
Maggie x
