The Books We'd Give Famous Folk for Christmas

This year each member of staff at Scottish Book Trust was randomly assigned a famous person, living or dead, and they had to come up with a choice of book that they would give that famous person for Christmas. Read on for the eye-opening results!

 

Jack Kerouac

Lonely Planet – America on a Shoestring

chosen by Julia Collins

I was rather disappointed when I opened up my piece of paper to find that I had picked Jack Kerouac. Secretly, I had been hoping for a name for which I could recommend Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, as this tends to be my book of choice for, well, just about anything really. However, the thought of Jack Kerouac settling down in a drugged-up stupor to read Jane Eyre did not fit and instead I have settled for the Lonely Planet’s America on a Shoestring series.

I think that this series would have been invaluable for Jack, as apparently these books take you across the continent while "keeping some change in your pocket".

 

Bruce Springsteen

Notorious New Jersey: 100 True Tales of Murders and Mobsters, Scandals and Scoundrels by Jon Blackwell

chosen by Michael Merillo

Even after all these years and having 'gone Hollywood' The Boss still loves his home state of New Jersey. The Garden State has a long, and often-overlooked, history of sensational crimes, top-quality criminals, corrupt politicians and degenerate lowlifes. The perfect material to write some more chart-topping tunes. This book would be great for a quiet Christmas read, and enhance his knowledge of the often mocked New Jersey.

 

Joseph Stalin

The Complete Poems and Plays of TS Eliot

chosen by Anna Gibbons

I have agonised over this. A book for Stalin? Moreover a book that I’ve read? My repertoire consists largely of children’s fantasy and Stalin, in my humble opinion, wouldn’t get much out of Diana Wynne Jones. But I was struck by inspiration in the unlikeliest of settings. I attended a carol service in which the Professor of Divinity of Edinburgh University gave the address. I’m ashamed to admit I expected to be bored. But he spoke eloquently with a message for all, not just those who believe in the Christmas story. He talked of the Magi, the three wise men, and their quest to find Jesus and give him the gifts that were most precious to them. He particularly emphasised T S Eliot’s depiction of them in his poem 'Journey of the Magi' – after having seen Christ, returning to their own country and everyday lives is dull and painful. It’s hard to go back once discovery has taken you forward. The message of both the Professor and Eliot is this: life is about development, moving on, searching for a greater truth, being open, releasing the past, learning about what’s really important – messages which might have served Stalin well. As an after thought and a stocking filler I’d pop in The Little Book of Calm as well.

 

Jordan (Katie Price)

What Would Audrey Do?; Timeless Lessons for Living with Grace and Style by Pamela Clarke Keogh

chosen by Claire Stewart

This book contains advice about how to conduct yourself in the footsteps of Audrey Hepburn. Hepburn had modesty, grace, style and perfect manners. She was apparently a joy to work with and a wonderful guest, host, friend, mother and wife. She always dressed appropriately for every occasion, behaved impeccably and charmed everyone who met her. Jordan wore magenta satin on her wedding day, has appeared in several sex tapes and will eat scorpions for attention. Need I say more? This book is needed URGENTLY.

 

Margaret Thatcher

The Housewife's Handbook: How to Run the Modern Home by Rachel Simhon

chosen by Craig Turner

While Mrs Thatcher managed three terms in office as Prime Minister, I always wonder if she knew how to make her own window-cleaning spray or how to really clean a chopping board – all useful time saving techniques for a truly accomplished housewife and consequently stateswoman, as "Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country".

 

Kevin Keegan

Thank You and You’re Welcome by Kanye West

chosen by Paul Gallagher

I don’t know much about football, and I know even less about football personalities, but the one thing I do remember about Kevin Keegan is his outburst on live TV, trash-talking Alex Ferguson. It struck me that someone who’s followed in Kev’s footsteps in 2009, in a different field, is Kanye West. West’s hilarious dissing of Taylor Swift live onstage during this year’s VMAs showed a similar self-belief and disregard for popular opinion as Keegan displayed, so I’d like to give Kevin Kanye’s first foray into the world of literature. Kanye West presents Thank You and You’re Welcome is, apparently, "an entertaining volume of 'Kanye-isms'… Kanye delivers his personal message uncensored, without any five-second delay or media distortion." Hopefully Kev would approve, and perhaps find a kindred spirit in this unlikeliest of places.

 

Marilyn Monroe

How To Talk About Books You Haven't Read by Pierre Bayard

chosen by Heather Collins

As Marilyn Monroe often found herself typecast as the 'dumb blonde' I thought she might appreciate a book which would help her convince people there was more to her. I imagine she and her husband Arthur Miller hosted many a dinner party for his booky chums and her theatrical peers so perhaps she'd enjoy being able to impress them all with her knowledge of literature. Her busy acting schedule probably wouldn't allow time for endless reading of weighty tomes so for this reason I recommend How To Talk About Books You Haven't Read by Pierre Bayard.

 

The Queen

How to be a Domestic Goddess by Nigella Lawson

chosen by Ros McGlynn

With the festive season fast approaching and a large family to accommodate on Christmas Day, this book would be invaluable in helping Her Majesty demonstrate her baking prowess in the kitchen. How to be a Domestic Goddess is not only about baking but it is also about enjoying being in the kitchen and taking pleasure in the entire process and relishing the outcome. This book demonstrates the art of baking and comfort cooking made simple for the modern cook and would make Her Majesty not only bake like a domestic goddess, but feel like one!

 

Charlie Chaplin

Who Moved My Cheese by Spence Johnson MD

chosen by Koren Calder

This is the story of four characters living in a "Maze" who face unexpected change when they discover their "Cheese" has disappeared. One character eventually succeeds and even prospers from the change, and in an effort to share what he has learned along the way, he records his personal discoveries on the maze walls, the "Handwriting on the Wall". Given Charlie Chaplin experienced so many changes in his career - films moved from silent to talkies with the advent of various technologies, the loves and losses he experienced in his personal life and the more cataclysmic world events, including two world wars, that he lived through - I think he would be able to include his own, extremely interesting, "handwriting on the wall" from all his firsthand experiences of life-altering events.

 

Nicolas Sarkozy

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

chosen by Philippa Cochrane

"What made me who I am now is the sum of all the humiliations suffered during childhood." This is perhaps the most well-known statement that Nicolas Sarkozy has ever made about himself and for this reason alone, I would give him Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I think Pip could provide an excellent role model for Sarkozy and, without straying into libellous territory, he may find similarities between some of the other characters in the book and the significant people in his life. I will leave you to figure out why!

 

Chairman Mao

The Famous Five by Enid Blyton 

chosen by Helen Croney

I think Mao would benefit from the Five’s no-nonsense, common-sense approach to life. If Chairman Mao had been more enthusiastic about simple, good-egg pastimes, incorporating jolly japes such as pooh-sticks, boating and general adventuring into his everyday routine, perhaps he might have had less inclination and indeed, less time, to create ruthless forms of torture, ruin the lives and educations of a whole generation and cause the deaths of 50-70 million people.

 

William Shakespeare

Tamburlaine Must Die by Louise Welsh

chosen by Olivier Joly

Tamburlaine Must Die is a thriller set in 1593 London that follows playwright Christopher Marlowe in the three days leading to his death as he searches for his own character who has escaped from between the pages of his play Tamburlaine the Great.

There is a theory that Marlowe faked his death in 1593 to re-appear as William Shakespeare (they were both baptized in 1564 and Shakespeare's first play Comedy of Errors is believed to have been written between 1592 and 1594). It obviously makes a lot of sense for Shakespeare to read a book about his last days as his former self...

 

Bono

The Other Hand by Chris Cleave

chosen by Marion Bourbouze

I had been wanting to recommend The Other Hand by Chris Cleave to someone since reading it a few months ago. And then I was given Bono - perfect! I would hope that Bono might be touched by the fate of little Bee, a Nigerian refugee whose life is tragically entwined with that of an English middle class family. Maybe he would relate to the characters' ethical struggles, their courage and their hopes. But then again, it might be a bit too real for him – singing at charity concerts on behalf of the world’s poor is one thing, getting emotionally involved with their life is another...

 

Jane Austen

The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer (the whole series!)

chosen by Caroline McLeod

I think Jane would race through these stories with gay abandon and enjoyment! Although Ms Austen may be irritated with some of Meyer’s phrasing and gushing affirmation of Edward and Bella’s love, I can still imagine her staying up all night by candle-light as she became totally engrossed. I can see Jane wholeheartedly approving of the moral high ground of Meyer’s theme of abstinence and restraint and I am sure she would become attached to the strong, brooding character of Edward in all his other-worldly manliness!

 

Philip Pullman

Swamp Thing: The Curse by Alan Moore

chosen by Sophie Moxon

Philip Pullman is a committed humanist who once said that, through his writing, he is "trying to undermine the basis of Christian belief". Now I would hate to offend one of our finest writers by buying him a present in celebration of a religious festival he may well choose to ignore. Therefore, out of respect, I would like to use the money to buy myself a large glass of red wine with which to toast Philip's continued health and happiness.

Unfortunately I've been told this is "cheating" so, just as a gesture of general good will, Philip is getting Swamp Thing: The Curse. This classic comic features the enigmatic John Constantine, a man who refuses to deal in absolutes and puts the good interests of people before the dictates of heaven and hell. I think Philip would appreciate that.

 

JK Rowling

Cupcake Magic by Kate Shirazi

chosen by Clare Rodgers

She’s potentially sick to death of magic and spells so here is a different kind of magic for JK Rowling. If that doesn’t work so well my other option would be Self Editing for Fiction Writers… need I say more?

 

Andy Murray

Classic Football Debates Settled Once and For All by Danny Baker and Danny Kelly

chosen by Jeanette Harris

This is my choice of a Christmas book for Andy Murray, a football fan who had a trial for Rangers FC. Andy most likely doesn’t have much time for reading given his punishing training schedule, so he could get through this one in an hour on a flight or pick it up whilst waiting to go on court at a tournament. It’s a humorous look at the current half-time topics debated by football supporters up and down the country and would help Andy to keep up-to-date with news about his second-favourite sport whilst he is at his Florida training camp over Christmas.

 

George W. Bush

Pretzels by the Dozen: Truth and Inspiration with a Heart-Shaped Twist by Angela Elwell Hunt

chosen by Francesca Brennan

Everyone knows that Christmas conundrum: you find what you believe to be the perfect book to give to a friend but still you wonder, 'Will he read it, will he feel the same?' One does not have this problem when picking out a book for avid reader George W. Bush. As Dubya himself said, "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures". Imagine my joy, therefore, on finding this useful text combining numeracy and religion for children aged 4-8. Almost eight years have passed since the pretzel scare that defined Bush Junior’s presidency. Had Dubya scoffed 'pretzels by the dozen' during the Superbowl instead of that one solitary baked good, perhaps a real twist in the world’s fate would have been possible. If nothing else, it’s worth remembering Bush’s thoughtful advice as we embark upon our Christmas feasts: chew before you swallow.

 

Martin Luther King

Dreams from my Father by Barack Obama

chosen by Tracy Lowe

Dear Mr. Martin Luther King, I am certain you will enjoy reading Barack Obama’s book. Your tireless campaigning for human rights and equality has undoubtedly made a difference to so many African Americans and paved the way for such success. I’m sure you will enjoy reading this book by the man who is currently the President of the United States. It is a true testament to the change you inspired.

 

Tilda Swinton

The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Anderson

chosen by Caitrin Armstrong

Other than having  a vague memory about Tilda’s involvement in the film festival in Nairn, the only thing I really know about the actress is that she is, well, an actress. In an age where celebrities compete for column inches by adopting underprivileged children or eating insects, that’s pretty commendable, so I’m not going to Google her for some personal details, instead I’m going to stick to what I know. As a colleague pointed out Tilda is 'great at ice queens' and who could possibly be icier than The Snow Queen? The creepy fairy tale scared the bejesus out of me when I was a kid and could surely provide some creative inspiration. And if not, at least it’s sort of festive.

 

Enid Blyton

Something Wickedly Weird Series by Chris Mould

chosen by Jasmine Fassl

I would recommend all six books that have been published so far. The first book, The Wooden Mile, tells the story of Stanley Buggles and the house he inherits on the island of Crampton Rock – watch out for pirates, werewolves and talking pikes! I wanted to recommend something contemporary, tapping into the pirate and werewolves trends, but still an adventure series for that middle age group category Enid Blyton wrote for, without being old-fashioned or samey. Chris Mould is not only the author, but also illustrates the series, and his artwork sets the scenes perfectly.

 

Saint Augustine of Hippo

Secret Diary of a Call Girl by Belle De Jour

chosen by Chris Newton

Before devoting himself to religion, St Augustine (or Augustine as he was probably known back then) was known to love women, drink and have concubines. He was a great thinker and religious philosopher who read as well as practiced several religions before he decided on his chosen religion, Catholicism. I have chosen a book that will titillate his wilder sexual desires (that he suppressed in favour of religion), while questioning the human psyche and playing on the title of his most famous body of work Confessions of St Augustine. Merry Christmas St Augustine!

 

 

You can add any thoughts or choices of your own below, and check out our Christmas feature from last year here.