#DullBooks - The Winner and Runners Up

By Peter Mercator (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Category: Reading
Tagged: book

One person's boring is another person's beguiling. No matter what the topic or pastime is, there's guaranteed to be at least one hardy individual in the world who will happily busy themselves with it (and for those who want to actively celebrate the pursuit of mundanity, you can now buy this calendar). It's now tougher than ever to identify Dull, since many of its acolytes are able to describe it in such a way that makes it sound pretty damn fascinating - for instance, listen to this man who unquestionably watches paint dry for a living but is able to convincingly compare it to being an astronaut.

Given this lack of of certainty about the nature of boredom, when we asked people to turn a well-known novel into a snoozefest, it was a harder task than it first appeared. However, we've selected a winner and four highly commended which we felt captured the essence of Dull. The winner walks away with the promised pair of grey socks and biscuits. Enjoy!

Winner - Barry Hutchison

A Picture of Dorian's Gran 

This spin-off from the BBC's hit comedy series, 'Birds of a Feather', sees the 98-year-old grandmother of ageing man-eater, Dorian, having her portrait painted by the world's slowest artist, who narrates each excruciatingly methodical brush stroke with all the enthusiasm of a prisoner on Death Row.

Highly commended

Lady Chatterley's Guava by Olga Wojtas

Sir Clifford Chatterley is a traditional meat-and-two-veg, spotted dick sort of chap. But his wife Constance has been on a cordon bleu course and keeps creating increasingly exotic dishes. Clifford complains about his sad plight to his loyal gamekeeper, Mellors, who decides to help by removing the more outré ingredients from the kitchen. But Lady Chatterley catches Mellors sneaking out of the house with a couple of red snapper fillets, a bowl of avocado salsa, and a guava. She demands that Clifford dismiss him immediately for theft. Will Clifford obey or admit he can't stand her cooking? 

King Solomon's Fines by Greg Michaelson

In this engrossing mystery, archaeo-cryptographer Allan Quartermain discovers, in the basement of the Hunterian Museum, an overlooked box of clay tablets inscribed in an unknown Aramaic script. After sleepless nights deciphering the tablets, Quartermain realises that he has uncovered the long-lost records of the Jerusalem municipality's fixed penalties for infringements of local ordinances...

The Shelf Seekers by Lissa Evans

Three generations of the Keeling family devote themselves to the search for the perfect shelf, but keep ending up with shelves that are too long/an ugly colour/riddled with woodworm/made of formica. At last the central character, Penelope, realises that the only way to achieve Shelf Perfection is to take matters into her own hands. Her courage and tenacity, plus a YouTube instruction video on ‘how to build a shelf,’ enables her finally to create the Shelf of her Dreams.

Far From The Madding Crow by Graeme Tallboys

Bathsheba stays out of the garden when the corvids come down to feed.

Looking for more competitions? Compose a micro story for our 50-word fiction competition and win some great prizes!

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